7 ways to get through relationship difficulties

THOUGHT NUMBER ONE – DROP THE NARRATIVE

Relationships become hard when we stop working on the relationship itself, and start to focus solely on how we feel it doesn’t meet our needs.  We even end up creating our own (largely fictional) narrative about why we are not to blame for relationship difficulties.

If we want our relationships to work, therefore, one of the first things we need to do is to realise we are making up a lot of our narrative to justify ourselves.  Certainly, there may be real feelings behind our position, but our expression of that position as a story can be immensely biased towards self-justification.

THOUGHT NUMBER TWO – TRACE THE TRIGGER

Secondly, we need to recognise that the real feelings behind a relationship difficulty may be threat-related, and not very mature.  We may need to look hard at our partner’s behaviour, or at our own, and understand what might be triggering current difficulties.  Why is there defensiveness and withdrawal?

THOUGHT NUMBER THREE – UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S RELATIONSHIP STYLE AND HISTORY

Thirdly, we need to understand and appreciate how our childhood trains us into relationship habits.  We may have grown up as the appeaser who reaches out, or we may have learned to shut down and avoid the other person because we saw them as unmanageable.  One of each can make a weirdly tense and codependent relationship.

And it’s not always childhood – relationship history can mean that we unintentionally bring past trauma reactions to new relationships.

In terms of style, there is a whole psychological science of attachment, in which the aim is to understand a person’s current style, and perhaps develop a modified and more secure style of relating together.

THOUGHT NUMBER FOUR – FEAR OF DEPENDENCY

Fourthly, we can notice whether we are making false attempts to seem in control and independent, when really we fear dependence.  This can create a weird ‘push and pull’ in a relationship.  In truth, all relationships have some interdependence, and a relationship needs to have enough safety and certainty to give that interdependence a chance to grow.

THOUGHT NUMBER FIVE – WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

One person may like to talk a lot, and the other may like to avoid in-depth discussion.  One person may want more sex, and the other less.  And expectations and behaviours can change.  Rather than wallowing in frustration and disappointment, we can try to develop an understanding of how our current character and expectations are different from our partner’s.

THOUGHT NUMBER SIX – HAVE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

We need to ensure others respect our sexual, physical, time and activity boundaries.  Once these are respected, we can safely compromise, knowing that our essential needs are being met.

THOUGHT NUMBER SEVEN –  PREPARE TO EVOLVE

To develop, relationships often need to go through small crises, and then both partners need to find modified ways of thinking and behaving.  It’s all part of mutual personal growth.

SUMMARY

When we are finding our relationships hard, we can:

1. Drop self-justifying narratives
2. Understand why we feel threatened
3. Understand each other’s behavioural style
4. Understand our interdependence, and find safety in each other
5. Accommodate each other’s characters and relationship expectations
6. Impose healthy boundaries
7. Evolve with each other

NOTE

This article is partly based on an excellent article by Clinton Power, which you can find here.  (I have seven rather than nine points, as I have absorbed three separate points into my point number three.)