Agency in relationships

I once knew a woman who was frustrated with her husband, but didn’t know exactly why.  All she knew was that she felt profoundly uncomfortable when they talked about money.

I asked her for more detail, and she gave me an example.  Every time holidays were discussed, she said, her husband explained to her that they shouldn’t spend more than a certain amount.  Once he had said this, they set about deciding together where to go.

I asked her to describe the feeling in more detail.  She said ‘I feel as though a decision has been taken away from me.  We collaborate in the end, but I have a nagging feeling I haven’t really made any proper decisions.’

Sensitive readers will notice that the husband was not conducting negotiations about everything, but was sneakily presenting advance requirements which weren’t supposed to be challenged.  The decisions he wanted to share were lesser decisions, further down the line, once he had imposed the main budget he wanted.

This is how agency is reduced, and freedom restricted.  Larger decisions are made by the controlling party without consultation, and a lesser freedom is then offered to the controlled party, in the form of participation in smaller decisions, later on.

DISGUISING PARTNER CONTROL AS ‘COMMON SENSE’

In the above example, the husband often used phrases such as ‘we’ve got to be sensible’.  He may have been right, but, in aligning himself with common sense first, he was deprioritising the views of his wife, who was waiting to be treated as an equal in financial decisions.

We all have experiences in childhood of our parents doing this: treating certain decisions as a foregone conclusion rather than thinking them through with the child.  In those areas, we had to wait until later to conduct proper negotiations and make decisions. This is appropriate for a learner, but not appropriate in equal relations between adults.

In adulthood, many controlling people call upon ‘common sense’ as an ally.  Blind to the idea that all things can be negotiated, they operate from their own tastes and opinions without compromise, perhaps out of fear of losing control.  They present these opinions as ‘obvious’, behaving in a way that is hostile to questioning.

THE SUBMISSIVE PARTNER

Controlling people often seek submissive partners.  For them, it’s easier to train a partner into submission, than to have to negotiate all the time, which they find tiring, almost unbearable.

In the end, such a dominant-submissive partnership turns into a co-dependency that looks very good from the outside, but is desperately painful for the one who constantly has to give in and massage the other’s ego.

REGAINING AGENCY

Some of my counselling and therapy work is around helping individuals in abusive partnerships to regain agency, when they have been living with dominant partners who put their own wishes first.

The question is: how can a submissive partner start to regain agency in a relationship with many assumed limits to their freedom?

Here are two steps that help:

STEP #1 – SPOT AN ASSUMPTION

The first step to regaining agency is to spot the assumptions that are being made without asking you first.  In the example above, the wife noticed that her husband was assuming the budget decision was concluded, without asking her.

STEP #2 – CHALLENGE THE ASSUMPTION

The second step is to challenge the assumption.  This can be through words, behaviours or actions.  The wife could choose:

1. Words – She could say to her husband ‘I notice you’ve set a budget for this year’s holiday.  Is there a reason why you’ve set it at that level?  Why haven’t we decided it together?’
2. Behaviours – She could express herself emotionally, perhaps by showing her frustration at the limitation.
3. Actions – She could choose responsive action, perhaps by saving up for herself, and booking a holiday with a budget beyond the one he has set.

These will all be difficult for her, as they expose her to his reaction, and she is used to keeping the peace.  But he has already disturbed her peace by making that original budget assumption in the first place.  If she doesn’t challenge, she risks allowing the continuation of a situation she doesn’t like.

She does have a more extreme choice – to leave – but she may not want to do that.  In the meantime, challenging is a way of exploring whether there can be room to breathe within the relationship.

COPING WITH PUSHBACK

If a submissive partner provides more challenge, the controlling partner may push back even harder, to reimpose their authority.  The submissive partner then needs to decide how important the issue is, and choose a level of argument that matches the lightness or seriousness of the situation.  Some battles are worth fighting; some are not.

USING THERAPY

Therapy can be a good way of thinking all this through in safety, and developing more assertive responses that can lead to happier future relationships.