Ego disorders

EGOS CAN BE HELPFUL

The ego, in its healthy form, is a balancing mechanism, there to make sure that things are fair between us and other people. It is the functional part of us that balances our interests with other people’s, and makes us well-functioning social beings.

EGO DISORDERS

But sometimes an imbalance forms in the ego relationship. A person starts to over-defend themselves, thinking that the world depends on their ability not to lose face. They will do anything to protect their position, to avoid making themselves look vulnerable. They indulge in all sorts of strange behaviour, all designed to cover up vulnerability.

There are various ways this can play out, and a lot of disorders are effectively names given to various forms of ego dysfunction.

• In Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a person’s sense of self is chronically unstable, and so one minute they will be madly defending themselves, the next collapsed.
• In Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), to mask insecurity, a person either has an overinflated ego (grandiose NPD), or a passive-aggressive, victim-based ego (vulnerable NPD).
• In psychotic breakdown, a person loses their sense of self completely, and retreats into a delusional state.

It is often convenient, in the above situations, for a person to start ‘splitting’ (viewing people as either wonderful or terrible, depending on whether they feel like a threat). People who are of practical use, and no threat, will be accepted; people who get in the way, and are experienced as a threat, will be demonised.

So it is common, in relationships, for new friends, rich friends, uncritical friends, to be love-bombed and treated as absolute angels. More challenging people, those who push back, question, or have boundaries, can be treated as demons, because that is easier than negotiating.

In large or small ways, we may notice when we are being demonised. We will get a sense that we can’t win in any interaction. If we look carefully, we will see that the whole set-up is geared towards the ego protection of the other person. They are, consciously or unconsciously, trying to defend their dignity and honour, and will use all sorts of tactics to do it. We quickly develop a familiar knot in the stomach that tells us we can’t win.

When this happens, we may need to step away. BPD and NPD are among the hardest disorders to treat, and even therapists have to take care of themselves, and try to make sure they don’t become a victim of the same ego-protecting tactics. After all, if self-knowledge would hurt, why would a person with an ego disorder want to get to know themselves? There is often a profound resistance to change based on self-knowledge.

Nevertheless, it is possible. A lot of patience is required, and a friend or therapist needs to make sure they are so OK in themselves, that they cannot be disturbed by the positional games people can play. If someone is going to consistently imply we are not OK, we had better make sure we have a strong and profound sense that actually we are fine. Not superior, just fine. Then we can deal with other people’s ego disorders without fear.