Four essentials for good relationships

Here are four things which good relationships cannot live without.

#1 – RESPECT

Respect is basic goodwill towards each other, a wish to acknowledge that we both have value.  We do this by appreciating each other’s identity, style, viewpoint, personal space, and right to a share of resources.  Without respect we feel devalued, underappreciated, excluded.  With respect, we feel more confident and engaged.

#2 – KINDNESS

Kindness is active and sympathetic understanding and help.  We pay each other attention, see what we may want or need, and try to bring it.  We try to help each other feel comfortable and protected in our world.  Without kindness, we feel uncomfortable and unsafe.  In the light of kindness, we feel safer.

#3 – OPEN TALK

Open talk is a two way sharing of identities, viewpoints and needs.  It involves taking turns to contribute, and listening when the other talks.  It involves engagement beyond the merely functional or instructional.  Without open talk, we feel lonely and cut off.  With open talk, we feel more in touch with others, and more human.

#4 – AFFECTION

Affection is finding each other pleasant to know and to be with.  It shows itself in appreciating each other’s natures; in smiles, eye contact, touch, hugs, and positive body language; in choosing to communicate; in choosing to be with each other; in choosing to do things together.  Without affection, our confidence and self-esteem can fail.  With affection, life has more joy and colour.

BLOCKS TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

#1 – PREJUDICE, THE BLOCK TO RESPECT

The main block to respect is prejudice.  We are ready to treat someone badly (unless they are in the select band of people we treat well).  We disrespect people on the basis of age, gender, race, nation, wealth, style, talent, intelligence.  Mostly, we inherit prejudices from our social background.

#2 – SELFISHNESS, THE BLOCK TO KINDNESS

The main block to kindness is not being bothered to expend the energy necessary to be kind.  It is easier to let others stew in their situations, or to argue that they should help themselves.  After all, who will notice that we didn’t help?

#3 – DEFENSIVENESS, THE BLOCK TO OPEN TALK

The main block to conversation is defensiveness, an attitude of ‘why do you need to know?’  It often comes from our past.  If we have been hurt, then we don’t want to expose ourselves to more hurt.

#4 – DISGUST, THE BLOCK TO AFFECTION

If we feel disgust  for another person, then we lose respect for them.  It can be as simple as finding them physically unattractive – humans are quite prejudiced towards beauty.  It can also be that they think or talk in a way we don’t like.  We tend to mistreat and push away what we don’t like.

ENABLERS TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

To build good relationships, we need to focus on:

1. Respect for others (challenging our own prejudice)
2. Kindness to others (challenging own own selfishness)
3. Open talk with others (challenging our own defensiveness)
4. Affection for others (challenging our own disgust)