Helping the unhelpable

We are all difficult. None of us like the feeling of being helpless, and therefore we resist being overtly helped.

So it’s no surprise that when we set out to help others, they don’t always welcome that help easily. We have to remember that they have the right to run their own life, and that we are a facilitator, not an invader. We must learn to leave them to make their own bed, and part of what we do will be under instruction from them.

I am participating in the creation of a new mental health and financial wellbeing charity, finding out how best to assist people at the crossroads between mental health issues and financial issues. Sometimes poor finances make people mentally ill; and sometimes mental illness pushes people over into financial difficulty.

It is a real art to find ways of offering help that resonate, particularly when working with beneficiaries that may not help themselves, financially or relationally. Personality disorders are a case in point. The point of many personality disorders is that relationships become hard; boundaries get crossed; tempers get frayed; anxiety is disabling. To ignore that is to ignore reality.

A helper needs to find a balance, being flexible enough to help, but boundaried enough not to be taken advantage of. Many people have ended up in difficulty through a combination of misfortune and misdeed. While it is important not to judge, it is also important to play a part in the education of all of us as to our responsibilities.

In my financial roles in business, I often encounter people and businesses that are very behind on their obligations, and want everything made right. With a history of falling behind, it is often quite difficult to catch up. If the history involves poor relationships and communication, it can be almost impossible. And there is the added risk of being blamed, especially if the beneficiary of the assistance is looking for scapegoats. Desperation can spawn some pretty uncomfortable behaviour.

It’s unfair to call anyone un-helpable. We are all helpable. But equally true help can only happen with a constructive alliance, consent, the right skills, understanding, and good boundaries. Both mental health issues and financial issues cause anxiety, and it is important that such anxiety can’t leak over and infect everything.

To anyone involved in helping, I would say keep good records, be boundaried with your time and energy, prioritise your self-care (otherwise you can’t help anybody), and try to build a network of support for you and your beneficiaries, so that it is not just you on your own. Carers need care, and having a good team around you is the most important thing of all.