Moving from reactivity to responsiveness

In every situation, we have a choice to be reactive, or responsive.

We can either react defensively against others, telling them what to do, and how upset we are; or we can take responsibility for our own attitude, deciding what responses to offer, keeping ourselves steady and focused.

EXAMPLES

• If someone hurts us, we can either try to hurt them back, telling them what they have done, and shouting and crying about it; or we can notice we have been hurt, and make some decisions as to the best course of action. We may still hold them to account, but more sensitively.
• If we suffer a loss, we can either treat the world as a projection of our distress, suddenly seeing loss everywhere; or we can understand the context, see that the world continues as usual, and choose a course of action that respects, but mitigates, the loss as well as possible.

Personal growth is often a journey: from an initial state of pure reactivity, to a wiser state of controlled responsiveness.  If we watch babies, we can see that they are highly reactive; their brains have not developed sufficiently to have much patience or strategic ability.  Later on, as children, we have greater tactical awareness, but are still fairly un-strategic in our responses.  When we reach adulthood, we have a better chance to develop a filter between what we experience, and our response.  Instead of getting angry at rivers, we build bridges.  Instead of getting upset at wind and rain, we try to build safer houses.  Instead of being angrily reactive, we become peacefully responsive.

Two people can look very similar from the outside, but be very different on the inside.  It won’t always be evident at first sight what inner work a person has done.  It is only by getting to know someone’s inner intentions and state of mind that we can get a feel for their attitude towards others.  Over time, we might observe either the naive, self-centred reactivity that causes wars and difficulty; or the wise and compassionate responsiveness that promotes peace.