Seeking deeper relationships

In the world of relationships, we find the early days more exciting.  There’s the thrill of the chase, of wondering if this person we feel attracted to likes us too.  Then there is (hopefully) the pleasure of discovering they do like us.  Then there’s the excitement of anticipating when things might reach a new level of intimacy.

This is something that all animals do at mating season.  As animals too, we are built to thrive on mutual attraction and the buzz of impending physical intimacy.  Online dating apps feed on this process.  If we are good at dating, there may be no shortage of people to date.  Some people may spend a long time doing this, enjoying the validation that reciprocated attraction brings, often juggling intimacies with several people at once.

But our mating instinct also includes a desire for depth.  Watch animals, and we can see that many of them nest together, and collaborate together, in a more exclusive way.  We may notice one or more of our dating relationships beginning to blossom into a closer attachment, a preference to be together not apart, a wish to collaborate on activities and holidays, and a tendency to expend resources on things that bring mutual benefit.

Relationships have three levels:

1. the attraction we feel
2. the values we share
3. the roles we take on

To achieve some relational depth, we move from basic attraction to sharing and exploring common values, and then to negotiating and performing complementary roles.  But in deepening relations, there’s a sacrifice to be made.  In becoming exclusive with one person, we lose the buzz of validation that we used to get from dating others.

Some of us stay at dating stage for a long time, on the basis that we haven’t met the person we want to ‘give it all up for’.  Some of us try exclusivity, but soon drift back into the old dating buzz, either by having secret affairs, or by ending the relationship and going back to dating scenarios.  We develop a yo-yo behaviour, whereby we drift in and out of intimacies, never quite committing to one.

Imagine life as a garden, and our relationship as a swimming pool that we want to build in that garden.  The yo-yo behaviour is like changing our mind every day as to where we want to build that pool.  We dig a small hole and then get bored.  Then another one.  We end up with a messy garden full of divots and no deep, well-built pool.

There is sometimes a well-founded fear that things will go wrong – this is a risk we have to take to get anywhere in a relationship, as we can’t control all outcomes.  We have to trust ourselves to survive if we get rejected.

To deepen an exclusive relationship, we need to:

1. learn to live without the on-tap excitement and validation that non-exclusive dating can bring
2. get over our fear of failure and rejection
3. do the hard work of coping with the specific differences and difficulties of our chosen relationship
4. negotiate a way of living life together that is collaborative, but also gives each person space to be themselves

Relational depth has many rewards, but first we have to leave behind the easy wins of perpetual dating and validation-seeking.  We have to get our sense of validation from ourselves (and partly close friends), and not just from being attractive in flirtation, which is an easy win, but doesn’t go anywhere and complicates life.

Seeking a deeper exclusive relationship involves sacrificing those easy wins, and being there for the longer haul.  It involves being prepared to negotiate and stay engaged when things get difficult.  Materially and emotionally, the benefits may or may not be worth the sacrifice.  But if we truly want to learn to value another being, and to dedicate ourselves to that person through the hard times as well as the good, we can give it a try.