Setting expectations with self and others

Are you overwhelmed with your responsibilities?  Is it keeping you anxious and awake at night?

Any compassionate person will want to help as many people as reasonably possible with their problems.  This can easily lead to overwhelm, if that compassionate person does not limit what they are prepared to give.  If you are feeling overwhelmed with your commitments to others, then this brief article on expectation-setting is written for you.

I suggest that you take each responsibility you have, and divide your thinking about it into three parts, as follows:

#1 – WHAT I AM OFFERING

Here you focus on what you are definitely in a position to offer on an ongoing basis.  It may be your time, your money, your skills, or any of your other resources.  In the light of everything else you have to do, you can decide what it is, if anything, that you are going to make available to others.  Your thinking should be quite cautious – in other words, if you are not sure, then leave it out of the offering.  Things on the list should be things that you are confident you can easily provide.

#2 – WHAT I AM NOT OFFERING

Here you focus on what you are definitely not in a position to offer on an ongoing basis.  Again, this may be time, money, skills or other resources.  You are considering everything you have to deal with, and then deciding what it is unrealistic to offer or provide.  You should again have a cautious bias – in other words, if you are not sure, then be clear that you are not in a position to offer that thing.  Things on this list should be things that the other person may realistically hope you might provide, but that, knowing your situation, you need to be clear you can’t provide.

#3 – WHERE TO GO FOR MORE HELP

Here you focus on where you suggest people go to get the help you cannot give.  It’s called signposting, and it seeks to allocate an appropriate helper for each problem.  The aim is to offer people an alternative source of help with the things you are not offering.

SOME SIMPLE EXAMPLES

EXAMPLE #1

Problem: You are on an expedition with a group of people, and one of your companions is low on water to drink.  They have been drinking more than you, and ask you to share half of your daily allowance.

Sample answer: ‘I can offer you half of my water today, but not tomorrow.  I suggest you ask the group for long-term support if you are very low on supplies.’

EXAMPLE #2

Problem: A neighbour wants to borrow your lawn mower, and last time it happened they gave it back damaged.

Sample answer: ‘I can come and cut your grass myself on this occasion, but I can’t do any more than that.  If you need a lawn mower, there are some very good deals at the local garden centre.’

EXAMPLE #3

Problem: a friend wants you to talk to their partner.  The partner has ended the relationship, and your friend wants you to ask their partner on their behalf for the relationship to continue.

Sample answer: ‘I can support you emotionally while you ask them yourself, but I can’t ask them for you.  If you need help communicating with them, then Relate offers some free services to set up joint counselling for the both of you.’

In each case, the sample answer is not foolproof – it’s just an example of a response that sets clear expectations.

Structuring your thinking into:

1. What I am offering
2. What I am not offering
3. Where to go for more help

is a good way of framing things within your own mind, and also in your communications.

As a caring person, it helps you to manage your own time and resources, while setting clear expectations for others.