The art of knowing yourself

What does it mean to know yourself, and why might it be important?

There are two parts to knowing ourselves:

1. Knowing our abilities and limitations
2. Knowing our likes and dislikes

Or, put another way, our question is always: ‘What can I do, and what do I like doing?

KNOWING OUR ABILITIES AND LIMITATIONS

Our mind and body are vehicles we are given when we are born, to travel in.  Knowing ourselves is really getting to know those vehicles we have been given.

If we are given a car, and take no time to learn how to drive it, where the buttons are, how to maintain it, what its limitations are… then we may well have times when our car crashes or stops functioning properly.  It is the same with our minds and bodies – if we take time to learn how to manage ourselves, then we will stay more healthy.

We need to learn what we are capable of, and not over- or underestimate ourselves.

OVERESTIMATING OURSELVES

If we are always overestimating our abilities, then we will keep getting into situations which overwhelm us.

OVERESTIMATING OUR BODIES

In terms of the body, there are a lot of ways to overestimate it.  We may be an athlete who constantly pushes our body too far, and feeds it with chemicals that are no good for it.  Or we may take in too much of the wrong kinds of food and drink, and ruin our health that way, overestimating our ability to process all the rubbish.  If we don’t understand our limitations in terms of attachments and addictions, we can get into forms of smoking and drug use which hinder us.

OVERESTIMATING OUR MINDS

In terms of our minds, there are a lot of ways in which we can overestimate them, too.  We may be a narcissist, who has no sense of self-limitation when it comes to relationships with others – we feel entitled.  Our relationships will be shallow and toxic.  If we overestimate our mind’s ability to reduce uncertainty to nothing, then we may start to insist to others things that aren’t true, and become known as a liar or a boaster.  Equally, if we overestimate our mind’s ability to make us happy, then we may start to believe our own self-protective stories, and lose touch with other people’s realities, in which their happiness is important too.

UNDERESTIMATING OURSELVES

If we are always underestimating our abilities, then we will keep getting trapped in procrastination, living according to other people’s agendas.

UNDERESTIMATING OUR BODIES

Sometimes we get into trouble by underestimating what our bodies can do.  We lie in bed or sit on the sofa, believing we can’t get up, and get less and less fit.  Or we set our sights too low in terms of fitness, not realising that with the right advice and help we can become really quite agile.  This is one of the key aspects of depression.

UNDERESTIMATING OUR MINDS

Sometimes, experiencing trauma or difficult people, we give up, believing that we can’t relate effectively with others.  We hide away and enter into our own world, where we cannot be hurt.  We lose faith in our ability to solve problems and move forward, partly because others seem so much better at promoting themselves and fighting their corner.  We can also prevent ourselves from defending others when they need defending, because we start believing that our voice isn’t listened to or effective.  We end up trapped in our own world, initially of anxiety (uncertainty about our ourselves and others), and eventually depression (loss of faith in ourselves and others).

KNOWING OUR LIKES AND DISLIKES

If we only focused on our capabilities and limitations, then we would have no guidance as to what activities suit us best. For that, we need to be in tune with our own taste, our likes and dislikes.

BODILY LIKES

If we are lucky, our parents will have encouraged us to find out what our body likes, in terms of food, drink, sights, sounds, and sensations.  This is always subject to knowing our bodily limitations – our body may like sugar, but too much sugar is bad for us.

Through making choices, we get to know what our body prefers – what it likes to eat and drink, where it likes to be, what music it likes, what physical interactions it likes.  We can then find an environment, if we want, where what we like is plentiful.

MENTAL LIKES

Equally, we may have learned how our mind likes to work.  We may be more logical, or more emotional, in our thinking.  We may be more collaborative, or more individually-focused.  We can learn our own traits and make the best of them.

BODILY DISLIKES

We can also learn to avoid what our body doesn’t get on with, so that we are not unnecessarily irritated and interrupted by things that repel us.

MENTAL DISLIKES

In the same way, we can become aware of what makes our mind uncomfortable.  We can then decide what to do about it – perhaps to avoid thoughts that are not good for us, or to limit our interaction with people who make us feel uncomfortable.

LIVING WITH OUR ABILITIES/LIMITATIONS AND LIKES/DISLIKES

Knowing ourselves is all about managing the interaction between our abilities and our preferences.  They are not always consistent with each other, and it needs awareness.  For instance, we may be naturally talented and able at something, but it may fill us with distaste.  Or we may love our work and be good at it, but also have a great attraction to a person or activity which ruins our ability to work.  We need to be aware of our choices, weight them up, and make wise decisions, or the world will pressurise us into crashing.

RELATIONAL CHOICES

Once we know what we are able to do, and what we like, it affects our relationships.

Firstly, it affects our relationship choices.  We may decide to distance ourselves from some people, realising that they hamper the rest of our life.  And we may draw closer to others, realising that they are a good match for our abilities and preferences.

Secondly, it affects our ability to manage all relationships, good and bad.  Even when others are hurting us or hindering us, we will make wiser choices as to how to deal with their behaviour.  In particular, we will find ourselves less blindly reactive and more wisely responsive.  We will adapt better to all relationships, and be better able to communicate.  We will know when to flex and when to be firm.

THE USE OF THERAPY

Therapy offers us a safe space to get to know ourselves.  We can learn what we feel inside, and also learn to express it to others.  We can learn to become a better friend to ourselves, and to generate a life around us which is better suited to our healthy needs.

In relational therapy we can also learn more about how to relate to others with tolerance, restraint, engagement and depth.  Good relationships involve taking the risk to be ourselves, but also having the understanding and skill to bring ourselves to the table with a full heart, a kind and expressive manner, and a willingness to do the hard work to investigate and resolve misunderstandings, and find ways to live together more deeply and intimately.

Therapeutic and relational interaction is all about this: gaining a realistic and useful understanding of our capabilities and limitations, our likes and dislikes. If we fall out of touch with ourselves, our life feels out of control and chaotic. If we know ourselves, then we can negotiate our activities, relationships and preferences in a wiser and healthier way.

CONCLUSION

Knowing ourselves is a lifelong task, and helps us to judge what to do, where to be and whom to know.  It raises us from blind, animal reactivity, into knowing, wise responsiveness.

Our relationships will be deeper and less superficial.

We may feel that ‘knowing yourself’ is unnecessary work.  But actually, if we don’t know ourselves, we may find ourselves frequently anxious without knowing why, and frequently in difficulties with relationships, without really understanding how we can adapt and get by peacefully.

Living without knowing ourselves is like trying to manoeuvre a car without learning to drive.  It’s possible, but we will crash a lot, and not be sure why we are crashing.

Living in self-knowledge is like having an intimate knowledge of the car we are driving.  It’s smoother, safer, and healthier.