The presentational self and the inner self

We have two selves to manage in life.

• One is the ‘presentational self’, which is the self we put forward to others in our negotiation with the world;
• the other is the ‘inner self’, which is the self we detect when we are happy, unhappy, energetic, tired, and so on.

THE PRESENTATIONAL SELF

We get up in the morning and put clothes on.  From that moment, we are making choices as to how we present ourselves in our environment.  We talk with an acceptable voice, language and expression which we have developed over the years.  We are constantly making decisions as to how to position and move our body, based on how others might see us.

THE INNER SELF

But we also get up in the morning and feel feelings.  However we are presenting ourselves, we have an ‘inside’, an inner self which has its own special reaction to everything which goes on.  Things make us feel happy, sad, energised, tired, fearful, curious, etc.

BALANCING THE TWO

If we are all presentational self, we are ignoring our inner feelings.  An example might be someone who is doing a job that is making them ill.  Because they want to make a good impression, they neglect what their inner feelings are telling them.

In contrast, if we are all inner self, we are ignoring the job of managing our relationships with other people.  We may end up livng in a world of our own, rejected by others, or certainly without their assistance.

It is not healthy to be all presentational self, but neither is it healthy to be all inner self.  We need a balance.  Achieving this balance is complex, because we are weighing up the needs of two apparently separate parts of our reality: other people’s expectations of us, and our own inner feelings.

SOME USES OF THERAPY

As a therapist, I find myself constantly working with clients to develop one or other self, presentational or inner.

Sometimes I will meet a client who has got so stuck pleasing others, that they have almost completely lost touch with what they actually feel inside.  They have effectively become a slave to others’expectations.  Typically, they may be suffering anxiety as a consequence of sacrificing their inner needs to please others.  If the constant sacrifice has completely exhausted them, then they may have developed depression.

In these cases, I can gently invite the client to rediscover their own taste and preferences in life.  I can encourage them to set some boundaries, ask other people to step back, so that they themselves can do some things they enjoy.

At other times, I may meet a client who has got so into their own world of moment-to-moment feelings, that they have forgotten how to negotiate with others.  They may have  stopped replying to other people’s messages, stopped taking care of how they dress, how they look, and even sometimes their personal hygiene.

In these cases, I can invite the client to re-engage with their social world, to get curious about other people and their lives, and to start caring about how they come across to others.  Often, the resulting social re-engagement has a very healthy effect.

SOME QUESTIONS

To keep a balance, we can ask ourselves:

• Am I too presentational?  In my quest to be accepted, what inner feelings about my life am I ignoring at the moment?  What could I do to show myself greater empathy, and make life more to my taste?
• Am I too involved with my own inner feelings?  In what ways am I hiding from the world, and holding back my social life by not cooperating with others?  What more could I do to take an interest in other people and their lives, to show them that I am worth getting to know?

Asking ourselves these two questions can help us to keep a good balance between our presentational self and our inner self.  This should result in us having a healthy network of supportive relationships, but also a life that is to our taste, and which makes us happy.