Why do we lie?

Why do we lie?  An easy answer is to gain ends which we don’t think are achievable through honesty.  We hide the truth to avert threat, or to influence perceptions in our favour.  We all lie.  Even wearing clothes is lying: we are hiding a full view of our bodies.

USES AND ABUSES OF LYING

Lying is socially functional.  It helps to create better relationships by smoothing down disagreeable differences, saving each other’s personal pride, and achieving an appearance of solidarity.

Lying can avoid physical harm.  At the macro level, lying can save lives.  In World War Two, in occupied France, the Resistance movement performed deceptions in order to fight against a nasty, controlling   enemy.  At the micro level, lying can prevent personal violence.  Children who suffer abuse from parents learn to lie to their abuser to achieve a degree of relief.

Sometimes, lying is exposed as socially dysfunctional.  An unfaithful partner may have hidden an affair, which then causes a disastrous breakdown in trust when the affair is revealed.  A fraudster may pretend to help, but may actually be stealing.

PATHOLOGIES

Lying can also be a symptom of a psychological problem.  We lie more easily when we:

• fear vulnerability, separation or abandonment (borderline disorders)
• fear threats to our self-image (narcissistic disorders)
• want or need attention (histrionic disorders)
• lack a sense of connection with others (antisocial disorders)

LYING AND MENTAL HEALTH

Managing others’ perception of us is a usual part of life.  Used well, it is helpful to ensure we are viewed as sociable and trustworthy, since a good reputation makes it easier to get things done.  In so far as these things are achievable without gross distortion, all well and good.

However, under stressful circumstances, things can escalate.

1. First, we begin to experience the need to lie more to protect ourselves and others from threat.
2. Then, if we have to lie a lot, we start to stray too far from our authentic self.  We dress things up beyond reasonable recognition, and become slave to a projected self that isn’t really us.
3. When this false presentation goes too far we become mentally ill, hiding our true self from others out of fear or desperation.
4. Eventually, over-concerned with protecting ourselves, and losing the ability to care about others, we end up lying pathologically in order to control and abuse.

THERAPY

We can use therapy to try to make sure we stay within a comfortable range of authentic behaviour.

In the course of therapy sessions, we may notice that we have gone too far in distorting a true picture of ourselves.  We may notice the anxiety this ‘hiddenness’ causes.  Eventually, we may begin to alleviate to distress by returning to a more authentic way of living and expressing ourselves.

The result in most cases is that we develop more comfortable, relaxed and open behaviours, reflective of our personal health needs.